COVID Shutdown Loss and Lingering Grief

The phone rang. It was mid-March 2020; my niece on my husband’s side was calling. “You have to come down to Kansas right away, Mom’s in hospice.”

The COVID shutdown was upon us. We live in Minnesota, and no travel was recommended. To complicate the situation, my husband was in the hospital with a non-COVID illness. I was able to say goodbye to my sister-in-law over the phone, but he couldn’t connect with his sister. On March 20, 2020, my sister-in-law passed away—no funeral, no memorial, nothing. Buried next to her husband without fanfare, we wondered, Is she truly gone? Surely she’ll pick up the phone and call us any day now.

Two years later, we had a small graveside service with immediate family.

Lingering Grief

How many of us have lingering grief due to losses during the COVID shutdown era? Tragic situations include:

• Many watched their loved ones slip away from a distance — barred from hospital rooms and saying goodbye through a screen or over the phone.
• Nursing homes shut down for months on end; some became COVID hot spots. If they were lucky, people could get a glimpse of their loved one through a window.
• People brought COVID home from work, resulting in their loved one contracting it and eventually passing away.
• Family caregivers got sick, leaving vulnerable care partners to be rehomed or cared for by another person.
• Isolation was bad enough for those with people around. Imagine a new widow or widower suddenly finding themselves staring at an empty chair every day.

What is the fallout of a COVID era loss?

• Complicated grief, leading to long-term stress, depression, and feelings of vulnerability.
• Trauma response, even post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in extreme cases.
• No sense of closure usually brought by a funeral or memorial service.
• Having to explain repeatedly that their loved one is gone.
• Lingering guilt.

The Uniqueness of the COVID Era

While grief can often be traumatic, we must acknowledge the uniqueness of the COVID era. Estimates show over 800,000 people died directly or indirectly from COVID in 2020 – 2021 in the U.S. alone. Imagine each of those losses affecting multiple people, too many to count. It seems safe to say everyone knows of at least one family who lost a loved one in those tragic years. Our lives were already severely disrupted, add an unexpected loss, and I wonder if these generations will ever have a true sense of normality?

Managing Lingering Grief

Are you frequently depressed, anxious about what may come next, unable to feel joy in life? Is there a possibility these feelings could come from lingering grief? Think about what happened four to five years ago, and if you believe you have unresolved COVID grief, it is vital to take steps to help you move into a better place in life. Here are a few ideas.

• Hold a memorial service now for your loved one. It is not too late; you may find that other family and friends will find relief in saying goodbye and celebrating the life of someone who has passed on.
• Find a group, such as GriefShare, a group sponsored by your healthcare organization, or a group specific to your type of loss. Hospice organizations or funeral homes may have a list of groups you can access.
• If your symptoms are severe, seek the help of a therapist.
• Create a place in your home to honor your loved one.
• Seek help from a spiritual advisor.

Grief can be complicated, and when we are left hanging without fully acknowledging our loss, it can exacerbate our lives. Of course, the sadness of losing a loved one may never leave us, but grief can become manageable if we take steps to recognize it and create a healthy response.

Visit my website, www.gracesmessage.com for grief resources.